This one time I went to the ASA in Minneapolis...

Shit sucks nothing to do on the plane. Dave gave me a mag from the uk called "Loaded". Pretty much just boobies n midgets. On my way to ASA thriple jump in Minneapolis, doing the judging thing. Flight waitress is a cunt with short hair and skinny with 3 chins. Weird combo. She had the most obnoxious wedding ring ever. Gonna try n get a pic. 2 shots down, last row next to the bathroom, and next to a lady with a 1 year old who can't stop staring at my handlebars. Did I tell u the three judges, fuck the quade chin bitch just told me I can't have my own alcohol on the plane. Her breath smells like asshole. I only have 10 shots left. Ok, back to the three judges; matt Coplon, brumlow, n me. We all have mustaches cause we are gonna be on tv. We don't give scores, just hold up cards with which rider goes to the next round. So tv is gonna show us with mustaches holding the name cards. This waitress looks like a vampire. All these flights must have taken a toll on her face. She is skinny with tons of chins, vampire, wooo scary.  Brumlow is up in 1st class with a cop mustache. Last flight we were on he was up in 1st and sent me a drink, it was sweet. Vampire would loose her mind if I get one. They need texting in flight. Could tell dave to fuck with her. Gonna get a pic of her somehow. Fuck, just tried and it was blurry. Vampires don't photograph Right? No good way of being stealth getting a pic. Fuck hot coffee and turbulence. Vampire keeps lookin at necks and lickin her lips. Her chins keep going up n down. Her face reminds me of someone just coming up from underwater, hair glazed, dumb "where am I" expression, and fangs. 3 shots down, hope I can judge...biscoff cookies are the best, just asked n denied. Vampire just took a big shit, was in the bathroom for way to long. Some guy has an American flag shirt on, all-over print. I love Americans. Vampire just gave me h2o and when she started pouring her 2 outer chins tucked into her real chin. Fuck, American shirt guy is cross eyed, need a pic, wish me luck. Funny thing is I have to do this next week in Chicago. I love flyin with a buzz. I swear  the vampire can't be in a photo, check this one. This is gonna be work. Coffee is serious diesel. Gotta mud now. Airplane mud is bad, always spackles. Serious line up for the mud fest. Another shot. More turbulence. Keep farting. Shit is done, guettler won, tj 2nd, darden 3rd. Tom haugen flew off the side of the ramp and through the doors. So ducking bad. He was carving off the 2nd landing all day. He is fine and can walk, looked gnarly. Rag doll. Dheres ate shit and landed on his bike from 12ft.  He was doing the running man and hung on the whole time. The announcers stopped the whole thing and made me stand up to show the crowd my mustache. Thousands of people staring at my handlebars. Holy shit. Cant believe what a stache can do, what it can do for you. Its making me vip. Recognise... Drank a ton, talked a whole bunch of shit and went to bed. Got up at 5am to take the light rail in the freezing cold to the airport. Paid $50 to take the earlier flight. Forgot I had a show booked and need to get back. No sleep, so tired. Snuck into 1st class, feels nice. Getting a back rub. Last seat available, just went for it. Fuck it, paid $50 might as well drink n pass out. My mustache is getting shit done. Quote that... so much joyvampirelooney tunes condomshandlebarsbald on bald on baldbad copsucks to be this carsky mallshot cityvampire doing some serious workskymallasa minneapolis1st avepiranha1st avematt copmetal mattthe judgescreepy

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